Once you learn about an affair and once you face the facts that the person you married and loved with all your heart is no longer there – that should be the end right?!? Well in my case not so much; I thought I could fix us, I thought if I loved us enough, if I worked hard enough to help financially, at home and at his office and had dinner ready for him every night and had a drink ready for him when he walked in the door and tried to spice up certain areas of our life we would be able to mend and heal and get back to that love and place we had not so long ago, the one that he had written about to me in cards and said in words many times. I admitted to him that I was not perfect in our marriage, I made mistakes, I didn’t always put him first after the kids came, at times I did things even though I knew he may not like it but it’s what I wanted to do (yes I am a bit stubborn at times, I admitted that too) and work got in the way at times but I still thought it could all be repaired because that’s what you do when you love someone and have a family together and when you take your marriage vows to each other. What happen though was about as opposite as I could have dream.
The more I tried and did for him (and us I thought) the more he seemed to push away. The more I tried to fit into the mold he said he wanted me to be but I wasn’t any longer he said, the more disdain he seemed to have for me. The insults started about how I no longer resonated on his intellectual level and that I was not able to make him “10x” in his career or in life anymore. (Meaning he needed someone to make him/challenge him to be 10 times greater in all areas of life.) He needed someone he said who had his back at all times and could prove his points in disagreements he had with others in his field and he told me I was just not at the level to help him prove his viewpoint to do so but “she was” and to be truly successful he needed her because she was on his level. (Funny part is in the court therapy evaluation he requested we go through, we were found to be intellectual equals – having our own areas of specialties/interests but still intellectually equal.)
The hardest moments that seemed to be like daggers to the heart was when he told me he knew he would cheat on me before we got married. He said if I didn’t believe him I could read his journal entry for when we were engaged and I was asleep beside him and he wrote he knew he would cheat on me. When I asked him why we even got married if he knew he would cheat he replied well at the time you were as good as I thought I get but now I know I can get and deserve better. Later I would find a journal cleaning out his stuff he left after he moved out. Apparently, I was not the first he did this to, he wrote about walking one girlfriend to her car after telling her it was over and as she drove away he turned to run to the girl of his dreams that he knew was the one that was already waiting for him in her apartment. Damn – I really wish I knew about his habit of trading in one “love of his life” for the next before we got married. Another moment was when we were in therapy and our therapist asked him – does she bring any value to your life? She works and provides financially, she cooks the Paleo organic meals you want, she takes care of your two young boys and she takes care of the boys and the house while you travel frequently – he looked at me in the eye and looked at our therapist and said no I see no value that she adds to my life. That was when I knew it was over because that is that point I knew I no longer valued him as a husband, a person or father. The other great line was telling me I was like a Volkswagen – yes he compared me to a car. He told me you are like a Volkswagen; you are great, everyone loves you, you are dependable, cute, fun and there is nothing wrong with a VW but I have driven a Ferrari and once you drive a Ferrari you can never be happy with just a VW again. That our marriage was great but just not great enough. At first I couldn’t even respond to that, but later I told him I hope he is happy with his Ferrari because there is no room for friends or family in a Ferrari and once you crash – it shatters and cost more than you know to fix. Now I can laugh (and actually smile whenever I see a VW) about it but I can also tell you I did own a VW Passat before and I loved that car, it was great car! I can also tell you I will never own a Ferrari. There are many better cars out there to buy. ; )
So many therapy sessions later and life coaching sessions later, cries later and many conversations later with amazing friends and family later I can laugh at all this and see how much crazy and negativity and belittling I put up with for way too long and made excuses for him (and me) way too long because again I was trying to fix it, him, me, us. Verbal and emotional abuse can be as harmful as physical abuse but you have the choice to be the victim or rise from your ashes and fly like the Phoenix. What I learned is you and only you are the center of your own happiness, you can grow, you can change, you can “fix” yourself, you can recover and evolve from a narcissistic ex just like a lotus flower grows from the darkness in to the light and you can blossom but you can’t fix your ex or anyone else. Once you can realize this, accept it and start to live it – you will begin to find your inner happiness, peace, strength and acceptance and be able to start to build your life again and create your own EPIC live adventure. The journey is very challenging at times, you will have tears along the way and you will have many great days but still have the bottom drop out at time, but you are in charge of your journey and if you find your inner peace you will have an amazing one. The key is to remember you are not alone there are others who have felt firsthand your pain and you can always reach out to them or to me. I know firsthand how alone you can feel even with loved ones all around you because if they haven’t lived it you feel that they cannot truly understand it and how you feel going through it but you are not alone!! Stay strong, Be grateful for what your past has taught you and be ready to kick ass in the future.
Live, Laugh, Love Your Life