The amount of pain, self-guilt and tears I shed when I found out about the ex was having an affair and the abuse I felt because of it in my heart and soul was far worse than anything I could have ever imagined. The way they hurt me by their actions and words is beyond description. I made excuses, lied and hid my pain for a long time from everyone – my friends, family, co-workers, myself and even at that time husband because I didn’t want to upset them. There came a time though I just could no longer hide it or from it. I couldn’t just sweep it under the rug anymore and just go on like life was perfect and the divorce was perfect because it wasn’t -maybe it was perfect for them but not for me; it was painful, it was hard and honestly it was devastating and the affair just about broke not only my heart but my soul. I tried to journal and just write it and put it on the shelf but honestly that hurt more, it made me angry, it made me cry and made me sick. I do not hate the ex, I do not hate her. I forgave them along time ago. I did hate them for a while when I first found out and it make me physically sick (bonus is I lost 15 lbs in 2 weeks because of it – but not a good way to do it and don’t recommended it) but I couldn’t live that way any longer. I could no longer hold onto the hate. “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned” Buddha. Having hate in my heart hurt me way more than it did them. I wanted to move on beyond the hate and pain, I wanted to rebuild my life and the life with my sons. So I forgave them. And let’s face it the ex and her will be in my life for a long time because of the boys. So why not try to make the best of it. Do I ever think we will be best friends – no. Trust and respect are earned and once lost are not easy to regain. But for my boys I want us all to “get along” and as they love to call it be good co-parents and be in the same room without the death stares. I wanted to move on from feeling nauseated every time I have to see them or talk to them. And I have moved past feeling that but it took a long long time. For many this is impossible, but I don’t want it to be for us. But I also wont be taken advantage of, I will no longer be controlled and I will have a voice back again. I have a very hard time with confrontation but I can no longer just let things slide because it is easier then standing for what I think is right and being taken advantage of. I want to move past being told what to do and start having discussions on what needs to be done for the boys and their best interests. I will also be in control of my own future. I’m going through all this and healing from it I felt like there was more I was supposed to do, there was more for me to do with all that I have been through and I couldn’t just put it on the shelf and hide and so that is how the blog was born because of others who asked for help and I have a deep desire to help them.
I had a women contact me that found out her husband cheated on her and wanted a divorce and she was devastated, I could see it in her eyes, I could hear it in her voice and I could feel her soul crying out. I felt that same pain and looked that same way when I found out. I had another women going through a divorce asking me how did you survive, how do you move on, how do you thrive again because she admired how well I was doing with it all. Again I saw myself in her when I was at that stage of the divorce process. I have another that is scared to stand up to her soon to be ex as they are going through a unfriendly ugly divorce. I have had others asking me do I stay or do I go from a relationship that is painful. I thought about it, prayed about and talked to my life coach about it and sessions with my therapist on what should I do next and feeling like there was a reason I went through this and after much thought, sleepless nights and sessions later I came to the conclusion I had to share my story. I had to share it for those who felt like I did, who felt lost, betrayed, abandoned and devastated. For those who felt ashamed and like I did and wanted to hide from the world because you don’t want others to see what happen and people to know he cheated on you and/or lied to you and left you for another women because you were no longer “good enough” or your marriage was just not great enough anymore and wanted out and that you feel it’s your fault. Divorce happens in 50% of marriages yet we still can’t talk about it openly; it’s taboo to express what really happens and people want us to hide it so they can go on living in their perfect world. For some reason how we cope with it and move forward is supposed to stay secret. Do you know how much I would have loved to have someone who had been through that I was going through, to talk to me and help with me that time in my life. I had support from friends, family and therapist but still was alone because I felt like they couldn’t really understand or help me because they hadn’t gone through it. We still can’t tell our story because others don’t like to hear what they did hurt you, people get upset because they don’t want to know how much you were crushed by it. So we are just supposed to hide it so others can pretend it didn’t happen and it’s all perfect. It goes for men and for women we can both be hurt, we can both have a hard time moving on from a bad relationship. Divorce happens, life happens, people grow apart but how you treat your ex and how they treat you during that time is what makes it or breaks it. It’s the difference between divorced families still being able to speak to each other or not being able to be in the same room.
Life is not perfect, it never will be but hiding from your past and your feelings and putting them in the family’s secret closet doesn’t help you heal either. It may make it easier for others but it wont for you long term. We must take charge, we must do what we need to do to help ourselves move forward in life. Facing our demons, calling them out and telling them head on they no longer have power over us and moving beyond them, concurring them not hiding them, that is how you stop surviving and start thriving. At least for me that holds true, I tried to ignore them I tried to hide them so others wouldn’t be upset but I learned I can no longer live to keep others from getting upset and had to start living for me to be happy. I had to stop hiding and surviving and start thriving. So for those who feel hurt by this blog, it has nothing to do with you. This is my story and yes the past events wrote that part of the story and some bad shit happened and was said that was painful to hear and to live and destroyed that world and now painful to read but the truth hurts at times. We cannot change the past but we can rebuild our future. What this blog is allowing me to face is the pain of my past, moving beyond the grip and control of those who held me down and told me I was not good enough and that I allowed to hurt and control me for too long. If I can live my life from a place of peace and over coming my past hurt I can truly be happy again in mind, body and soul (not just surface happy to make other feel good with pain still inside). I am rediscovering myself and creating my epic life, the life I want to create in all areas. No one else can make me happy if I am not truly happy first – inside out, up to and down happy – and to be happy I have to stop tip-toeing around others and start living. I have chosen to no longer be a victim. I have chosen to stop hiding and allow my heart, soul, mind and life to rise above the ashes and fly into a new life like the Phoenix. So let’s start our journey of growth and positive energy to allow those things into our heart and the universe to bring them into our lives.
I would love to hear from you on how you started your own growth and healing, or questions on what may allow you to take that first step. A big one to no longer hate, to forgive and to love yourself.
Live, Laugh, Love Your Life,