No More Tears for Them

I had a meeting with the ex about the schedule with the boys for next year and he brought her and their brand-new baby to the meeting. We discussed things and then he said I found out you were writing a blog and let’s just say he didn’t seem happy about it and that it was there for his family to read. He told me it upset his family. This blog is not about upsetting him, her or his family. If people are upset by reading it how do they think I felt living it? Where were they when it was happening – Isn’t that when they should have been upset? Now isn’t the time to be upset, it’s the time to heal and move forward and that is what this blog is about.
I told them my blog is about getting through a divorce, healing and moving on and helping others. He was upset because I put the part in where he said “don’t ever have kids they just ruin your life” they wanted to know if I was ok with the kids seeing that someday because he loves all his kids equally, as he looks at her there holding their new baby. I never said he didn’t love them, I believe he does love them, but he did say it more than once, he admits he said it, and no he wasn’t joking about it in the times I was referring. They said I would hurt our one son who is so sensitive and caring and loving how could I do that? How could I do that?!? How could you two do it to begin with??? It’s like their past actions have no consequences in their minds but mine do. All actions have consequences, their affair, lies and divorce and yes even my blog all have consequences. So, as they sat there looking at me and her holding their new baby with tears running down her face and he looked like he was trying to make himself cry but couldn’t and they acted like I was the cold hearted one and how could I not be crying about this and what they just said to me, you know how – because I have cried.
I cried at least once a day for over a year when I found out about their affair and him (and her) lying to me, I cried at talking to the both in person about what they were doing and the affair and how that would affect the boys lives forever and the damage it could cause and basically begged them to stop and they both stared back at me blankly with no emotion, no sympathy, no empathy. I cried on my son’s first birthday because he wasn’t there for it because he was with her for the week “working” in California, (but now they tell me how important it is for my boys to be there on their daughter’s first birthday – amazing how their views have changed on what is important now. Where was their concern and tears for my boys when they decided to have their affair, break-up two marriages and change many lives forever?) I cried at all the “business” trips he took and left the boys and I home because he went with her, I cried on our family vacation with a several other couples that he left me at the house with the boys to unpack as he went back to the airport to get her because she couldn’t rent her own car is he told me and at that same vacation I cried that he left me and the boys while he and she had “business” to do and were gone for entire day or afternoons on our family vacation. I cried at the text messages I saw between them, I cried at the emails and the pictures they sent each other, I cried at the messages I got from her then husband asking me where they were together because he loved his wife and wanted to fight for her, I cried when he had her stay at our house even when I asked him not to, I cried when he moved out, I cried when I no longer got to tuck my boy into bed every night or kiss them good morning every morning, I cried on the holidays I have not been able to spend with my boys, I cried when the boys asked me if I loved dad still and I told them I will always love him because he is your dad (no I don’t LOVE him, I’m not in love with him, but he is their father and for that I will always love him) and the youngest replied well he doesn’t love you that is why he left, I cried when the boys cried asking me to tell dad to come home because they want to be a family again, I cried when 2 months after our divorce he told me they were getting married and that she was pregnant and he hoped I wouldn’t ruin that for the boys, I cried when my son told me he would rather not do something he wanted to do because dad would get upset and he didn’t want dad to get mad at me, I cried when my son told me he had to protect me now because dad is gone and now it’s his job, I cried a few weeks ago when my son told me he doesn’t like having two house and that I don’t understand how hard it is to go back and forth to different houses and he hates it and that he wanted me to tell dad to come back home again and he wants to have his family back together, I have cried and cried and cried.
**I did cry when all these things occurred but not in front of my boys. They have seen me cry but I never cried in front of them when things happen or where said, I tried very hard to protect them as much as I could and never “blame” anyone for my tears. When they did see me cry just told them I was sad and sometimes when you are sad you cry and it’s okay to cry and express emotions because when you express and face them you can work through the sad times and then you will not be sad anymore and find happiness and peace again. **
So, no I did not cry at that day because I have no more no tears left to give them because I have given them too many already. I’m not a cold heartless bitch, (my boys are the most important people in my life and I will protect them to no end but I have no hate or anger in my heart for either him or her). I have moved on from giving them the power of letting them make me cry. You have the power, it’s yours to use or to give away to someone else. You have the choice to more one or hold onto the hurt. I will no longer cry and hide my feelings or give in to him because I’m afraid what he will think, say or do to me because I stood up for myself. I will still cry again (many times I’m sure) in life, but they will be my tears and tears for my boys but they will no longer be tears for him/her/them. When you no longer cry for him/her the reason for the tears take on a whole new meaning. There is no hate, there is no bitterness, there is no anger, (to be honest there is still frustration when dealing with the ex at times but I hope and pray even that resolves with time because again it’s my reaction, it’s my choice and I cannot change theirs only control mine). There is love, there is peace and there is closure to move forward and create the most Epic amazing life possible for me and for and with my boys. And there is hope for them to do the same with their dad.
Live, Laugh, Love Your Life!
Jodi