My apologies for being gone for too long for my blog. I let my “Ugly Duckling” house and life get in the way for taking time for this. Our house continues to become our home more and more every day and my boys are excited already about decorating for Halloween and Christmas and have already asked about what we can do to decorate for the holidays.
That is the great thing about moving on into the Dazzle part of life, it’s getting past the ugly part – after the Diamond turned into Disaster and you can’t imagine how you will get over the hurt, the anger, the betrayal, the lies and how to rebuild not only your life but also your trust, your ability to feel love again and let yourself love again and the ability to rebuild yourself emotionally and mentally after years of being told it’s all your fault, you’re not good enough, I did everything I could but you – you are the reason everything went wrong with us. That ugly part can consume you – it can control you, devastate you and even keep you from truly having a real relationship again. That is if you decide to let it! There are some who get over their relationship with a narcissist by getting right back into another relationship and for some that will work but for me it wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted to be able to work through all the issues that were created by what happen in my marriage and divorce, I needed to work on myself – my ugly duckling, before I felt ready to work on my life with someone else in it. I have worked with my therapist and talked with others about my experiences and what I have been through. Each of us need to find our own path after the disaster but in my experience, I would highly recommend working on yourself and overcoming the past hurts before jumping into that next relationship. Often if we jump into something too soon we end-up in the same type of relationship we were in before. We need to truly love ourselves again, appreciate and embrace all our imperfections and realize we are a perfectly imperfect work in progress before we take on our next relationship and avoid repeating the mistakes of the last one. We must truly love every part of ourselves – every flaw, every loss, ever triumph, every hurt, every joy, every scar. We must appreciate that duality that we cannot know love without hate, joy without sorry and happiness without pain. Once we have been able to love ourselves fully and find happiness and peace in what our past has put us through and taught us – it is then we have a much stronger and healthier relationship first with ourselves and in turn will allow us a healthier, happier and stronger relationship with someone else. If you have children, this is a whole other level of what you also need to have worked through. They did not ask to come into your marriage and they sure as hell didn’t ask to be put through a divorce, having to get used to 2 homes and 2 joint but separate lives is a lot for them to understand and handle. They know more, see more and feel more than you can ever imagine even at a young age. Also, I would advise you to please be careful with your word choices and how you explain why the divorce happened because what mine remember for being 3 and 5 and how they interpreted what my ex told them is crazy!! When your relationship ends with a narcissist and they can no longer manipulate and control you they look for other ways to still have control and many times that means your children are now their targets. Be there for your children and help them overcome this treatment, this game they are stuck in the middle of, to help prevent the cycle from repeating itself in the future generations. Per my therapist narcissistic tendencies can start to develop as early at 4 yrs old, scary isn’t it!
I believe no one path is right for everyone and we need to find our own way in this world but from what I have been through, learned and spent many hours of therapy and research on – I wish you all to find peace and happiness in your perfectly imperfect self first and then wish you joy and true love in finding that real relationship we all deserve.
Please remember the Disaster phase will not last forever! Well that is if you don’t let it. We either let it bury us or build us – It’s your choice!! When you are ready to move on to the Dazzle part the only limit to your possibilities and new life is you! Sometimes we just need to get out of our own damn heads and our own damn way to find the sunshine, smiles, goosebumps and butterflies again!
Live, Laugh, Love Your Life!