To know where we are we have to know where we came from, below is how my Diamond Chapters started.
Many of us dream about the day we would meet the one with whom we will live “Happily Ever After”. I wasn’t living for it but always knew I wanted to be married and have a family some day. Who knew an elevator would play a big part of that meeting. I met who I thought was the man of my dreams on an elevator. Three times actually before we ever really talked and we seemed to hit it off very well right from the start. The first night we hung out at my apartment I had a mixed CD playing (yes showing my age there) with very random artists. He said if the next song is by Crosby, Stills & Nash, I’ll give you a kiss. The next song was “Love The One You’re With”. There was no way he could have known this because there was no song list on the CD and it had very random songs on it. I believe in the Law of Attraction and that what you put out to the universe and concentrate on, you will receive. Seemed like the universe meant for us to be together. I mean pushing the elevator button one second sooner or later and we never would have met. Meeting in an elevator and naming a group that there is no way he knew would be played next – it seemed like stars aligned and it seemed like all was perfect in the world… and for a while it seemed like it was.
We had many of the same interests, drives and desires in life – both loved adventures and were (and still are) adrenaline junkies. We went for a walk one night and sat on a hill by the canal… looking at the stars and planning out what we both wanted in life. Seemed like a perfect match, his grandmother even said one night “if you two can’t make it, no one can”. To everyone it seemed like we were the right fit and for about 8 years I thought so too. We loved life, I worked to help support us as we built up his practice, traveled, had great friends and family, our house on the lake, our boat. I came home one Valentine’s Day to little cut out hearts taped all over the house with hand written messages about everything he loved about me. Our relationship seemed wonderful and in May 2006 he proposed on the PCH 1 over looking the ocean and on 7/14/2007 we had an amazing week with friends and family when we got married. Things seemed like everything was falling into place for the picture he painted of our life together that night on the canal. I supported his career and tried to be there for him every step of the way and tried to do as much as I could for him to build up his practice and encourage and support everything he wanted to do to further his career. I told him I would do screening with him on weekends and when I could get the time off from work, go to conferences with him and support him when he spoke at meetings. He told me he wanted to keep work life and home life separate and I respected that. So I concentrated on my career, financially helped support us and supported him from the distance he asked for. His practice slowly started building and in 2009 we had our first baby boy. We had planned that I would stay home when we had children but when the time came – he said I couldn’t stay at home because we needed the financial support that I provided so I kept working. It was so hard to leave our little baby boy at home but that was what I was told was best for us. I was willing to move to a smaller house and cut expenses to stay home but he said the timing just wasn’t right for me not to be working and he still needed time to build his practice so I went back to work.
I was planting flowers my first Mother’s Day and he called me up to come on the back porch. He bought me a heart necklace with his, mine and our son’s first initials along with a dog bone for our dog and had it sitting in the lap of our son. I still remember the tears starting in my eye and how happy I was to be in such an amazing place in life. He wrote me a card in 2010, that also had his voice on it with a recorded message, that stated 2009 was our best year yet! That he was so excited to be on our life journey together and that we started a family and that we would go to amazing places together. He said he couldn’t imagine anything better than what we had and what we could build together. Seemed like every girls’ dream come true – having someone love you that much and be so excited to build our lives, careers and family together.
My father, who I was very close with, was so excited to meet his 9th grandchild and I was so happy he got a chance to meet him. My dad died in June 2009, just 2 months after our son was born, and that was a very difficult time for me. When I needed love and support from my husband and tried to talk with him about my dad, having a new baby and a horrible time I had breast feeding and my stressful job – I didn’t get the support and love I needed. More times than not I got responses such as… just get a new job, well that’s what happen when he didn’t live healthy life or you just need to get over it. My dad died of a rare type of cancer believed to be caused by Agent Orange, which he was exposed to when he served in the army during the Vietnam War. I remember telling the ex numerous times, I need a husband to comfort me not a chiropractor to judge me and I’m your wife not your employee – please don’t treat me like one. He said I needed a life coach to get myself going again and in some ways he was right, I did. I admit at that moment in my life I wasn’t ready for a coach and with all I was going through I didn’t feel like I had time for one more thing. What I needed was love and support for the one person who was supposed there no matter what – to be my partner and best friend in life. For better or worse, in sickness and in and health – he was supposed to be there and he just had no sympathy or empathy for me or any one for that matter. ( I would find ou later why.) He was just cold, there was no emotion, no love, no support on the level I needed at that time. More than ever, at that moment, what I needed and wanted was the love and support of my husband, just having a baby and 2 months later loosing my dad I need him and he was not there. (This should have been one of the many clues on his personality but I always had an excuse for him on why he was like that.)
November 2010 we found out we were pregnant with baby #2! He knew I always wanted 4 kids and he said he wanted 2 so we agreed with 3. I was super excited, he was super excited about baby #1 but not so much with baby #2, that is when it seemed like things started to change. He all of a sudden wasn’t sure he wanted another baby, he even said I tricked him into getting pregnant. If telling him I wanted another baby and us having sex is tricking him then yes – I guess I did. We were out to dinner one night having Mexican food with our son and friends and he looks across that table at one of the guys and says don’t ever have kids they just ruin your life. (Even worse was this couple just had a miscarriage not too long ago and really wanted to start a family and he is there with his 1 yr old son and pregnant wife saying this.) This was not the only time those words came out of his mouth. He started to pull further and further apart and everything started to be my fault. He didn’t talk to me for a while about it but then it all started to come out – I didn’t support him enough, I didn’t go to enough conferences with him, I didn’t resonate on his intellectual level anymore, I put my career first, I put our 1 yr old first, I didn’t have his back enough to make him “10x” better in his practice and in life. I didn’t understand his needs and wasn’t sexual enough for him. I wasn’t well versed enough in his field to be able to support him when others attack his thoughts and values. I just wasn’t on his level anymore. The same things he wrote that he loved about me on those hearts and taped all over the house, he now started to hate and resent. He started to travel more and more to conferences and I supported him and encouraged him to follow his dreams even though it meant he was home less to help me with the house and our 1 year old and a baby on the way. I felt like he was just having the moment in life when people freak out a little with baby number 2 on the way, still not at the level he wanted to be with his practice and still adjusting to life with children and not just being able to do what we wanted when we wanted and that we would work through it and be back to the amazing place he said we were when he wrote me that card a few months before. I loved him unconditionally and thought love would conquer all. Over the next few years I would find out much more then I ever imagined and the man I fell in love with, planned to have an epic life with and grow better with age with, was no longer the same man I married. I refer it to the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Disaster chapters in my life.
Next up – Disaster Chapters. Great news is the Dazzle Chapters that follow the disaster ones. Remember, this is not a victim blog, it is a blog about rebirth and raising up like the Phoenix from ashes in your darkest moments. It is about sharing and openly talking about still taboo subjects – lies, affairs, broken hearts, secretes, divorce. I wanted you to see where I started – to truly understand as you continue to read (and share) this blog the epic adventures that are ahead for me and for all those what want them – if you never gives in or give up on your true self.
Live, Laugh, Love Your Life!